


this thing that aches like dying, this thing that burns like light

by Marcia Elena (marciaelena)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-20
Updated: 2014-04-20
Packaged: 2018-01-20 01:39:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1492012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marciaelena/pseuds/Marcia%20Elena
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He's your brother.</p>
            </blockquote>





	this thing that aches like dying, this thing that burns like light

**Author's Note:**

> My Spring Fling 2012 story, written for redpine for the prompt _giving in after so long_. It's in 2nd person, and contains spoilers for seasons 1, 2, 3 and 5. Also, in my mind this is set sometime after Dean gets out of Purgatory, even though there's nothing in the story to clearly indicate that. And as it usually happens with my writing, this is more mood and emotion than plot.

This is when you follow him down to the water, tonight, under the waning moon. Your feet are bare and the sand feels soft beneath them, but you worry about broken glass, you worry about rusty nails. You worry that he might bleed, so you close the gap between you, you match your pace to his. In the darkness you can hear the tide coming in, and you walk right into it before you realize he's stopped a few steps behind you. You mutter under your breath then, you backtrack, you stand next to him and now there's damp sand between your toes, there's saltwater clinging to the hem of your jeans and you think it would have been smarter to roll them up first. 

His hands are in his pockets and he's quiet, he doesn't say anything. The sea's telling stories, if you'd care to listen, but you let it wash over you like so much white noise. And you watch the water move, you watch wave after crawling wave reach out for the shore, you watch froth seep into the sand in front of your feet and you think he's doing the same, but when you look at him you find him watching you. And it's dark here, there's only that sliver of a moon in the sky, there's only starlight scattered thin and ghostlike over the ocean, it's dark and you can barely see but you see him and you know, you know he sees you. 

He says your name then, he whispers it like it costs him, like it's cut him, like he's bleeding after all. It hurts something inside you, his voice, it pulls at you, quickens the rush of your blood. And you think to yourself, _that's the same blood in his veins, that's my brother_ , and the thought isn't the deterrent it usually is. You breathe in, you breathe out, you close and open your hands and you're gathering courage but you don't know what for. And maybe it's not courage at all, maybe you're just scared, maybe you're so terrified that you'd rather pretend that keeping your distance is equal to keeping him safe. 

He's your brother, you tell yourself. He's your brother, he's the infant you carried out of a burning house, and the fire's spread since then, it's taken over everything. 

You lit up the sky for him once, and the field beneath it burned. You sold your soul for him once, and it wasn't a building that burned then, it wasn't grass or trees, it was you, you burned for him. You've been burning for him your whole damn life. 

So you reach for him now, here in the dark, you tug him closer, you grab fistfuls of his shirt and you hold on, you hold on, you hold on. He cups your face in his hands, he brushes his thumbs against your cheeks and you shiver, you stand there with your mouth half open because you're breathless, you're shaking as if you've just arrived from a very long run, and then you close your eyes because it's too much, he's touching you and you're done running and he's too close, he's not nearly close enough. And then he kisses you, and you, you don't think, you just kiss him back, you kiss him and the way it feels, oh, the way it feels, and you remember- 

You remember dying. You remember being ripped apart, your insides staining the room, red and tender, every yearning so carefully kept secret dragged out into the open for him to try and make sense of. You remember kneeling in the dirt, holding his limp body against you, you remember watching him disappear into a hole in the ground, you remember despair, you remember love. And this, this feels the same, he's kissing you, you're kissing him and you're dying, you're dying, you're aching, you're so alive you can't stand it.

You say his name, _Sammy, Sam_ , you say it like a plea and you tremble inside your jacket, you tremble inside and he kisses you harder, he kisses you deeper and his hands are on your skin, stroking under your shirt and you shudder, you break. He takes you with him when he goes down on his knees, he pushes you back onto the soft soft sand and you go, you cradle him between your legs and he rocks against you, you rock him with your body. He's your brother, he's yours and his hands are on you and your hands are on him, he's touching you like you're something beautiful and you're looking up at the stars and there's heat at the center, heat in the pit of your stomach, heat in his panting breaths and it's all the same thing, fire catching up with you both, finally, at long last.

He sprawls on top of you, he invades all of your spaces and you let him, because all of your spaces are for him. He's heavy, he's warm, he's half asleep against you. The sea hums lullabies and you rock him gently, so gently, you run your fingers through his tangled hair. You hold him like you used to when he was a little boy and he'd crawl into your bed in the middle of the night, seeking comfort, seeking warmth. You hold him like you did when he died in your arms. 

You feel his heartbeat, you feel his heart beat. You feel it down to your guts and it's unbearable, holding him this close for so long, so you shake him awake. He kisses your neck, he kisses your lips and it pulses inside you again, this thing that aches like dying, this thing that burns like light.

You walk back to the car with him and he doesn't touch you, but your body tingles just from having him next to you. You can still feel the lines his fingers traced on your skin, and the memory alone is enough to send your heart racing. He looks at you then, he looks at you like he can hear it, and it's still dark but you can tell he's smiling. You smile back at him and you mean it, but you can't keep the sting of tears from your eyes. You're both barefoot and the sand feels soft beneath you, but he's your brother and you worry. 

You worry that you might be the thing to make him bleed.


End file.
